how to have a conversation with a difficult person

One of the reasons many people avoid difficult conversations is because theyve avoided addressing issues when theyre still small. After all the mental gymnastics of endlessly practicing conversations in your head, actually engaging in a two-way conversation can be inspiring, respectful, and productive. Alignment Get your people in the same mindset with OKR goals and 1-on-1 meetings. Access more than 40 courses trusted by Fortune 500 companies. Have a group of 25 or more people? Defensiveness is one of the most common reasons why tough conversations turn into conflicts and arguments. Even when the subject matter is difficult, conversations can remain mutually supportive. Shift your attention to any sound or the space itself, or use your creativity to insert a pause or take a break. These conversations don't always end as well as we expect. Research shows that the mind cannot distinguish between imagination and reality. Studies show that repeating a single word or phrase silently to yourself can quiet your mind. Choosing a neutral place for a difficult conversation is more likely to yield a positive outcome. [1][2][6] People who avoid initiating or having difficult conversations with people in either their personal or professional lives often report:[1][3]. One of the best ways to initiate a difficult or touchy conversation is to use an I-statement, which includes the problem from your perspective. You might find this article on improving conversation in a relationship helpful. The more you can find ways to naturally pause and deactivate, the easier it will be to stay clear, hear one another, and respond wisely. Julie Diamond. Accelerate your career with Harvard ManageMentor. Identify what is gained by you and the other person in the compromise. Planning and preparing can help turn down the volume of your apprehension and make it much more likely that the difficult conversations you need to have will be successful. Do you embrace a diversity of backgrounds and opinions in others? Example: If you want to have a discussion with your boss about getting a raise or a promotion, let them know what youd like to discuss when setting up the meeting. 2023 The Greater Good Science Center at the University of California, Berkeley. The most powerful way to lean into discomfort is to stay present. This article will provide examples of hard but necessary conversations you may need to have at work or in your personal life. Create a sense of co-presence. Norms are useful to return to as reminders if the conversation stays off-topic or gets tense. Unsubscribe from personalized tips at any time. Start by stating what you would like to get from the conversation. Method 1 Starting the Conversation 1 Perfect your timing. But, depending on the situation, there are other kinds of responses you might consider. Bring this training to your location or schedule a private online event. The centerline can bring If the level of stimulation exceeds our capacity to respond, we freeze. The elasticity of our nervous system, its resilience, is our ability to navigate this cycle with ease, tolerating the stress of sympathetic arousal, allowing the settling of parasympathetic deactivation, and returning to a baseline state of oriented awareness, when you feel relaxed but alert. Free training: Conversation skills for overthinkers. It can be helpful to take notes before a conversation so that you have particular examples to bolster your main points. 1. The more we understand one another, the easier it is to find solutions that work for everyone. Accelerate your career with Harvard ManageMentor. | Before you initiate a difficult conversation, do some self-reflection to make sure you really understand the issue. How do you look, feel, and sound when you are at your best? For your bookshelf: 30 science-based practices for well-being. Tuning in to your body, recognizing your own signs of upset, and skillfully riding the waves of activation can help guide you back toward calmer waters. As the psycholinguist Herb Clark has pointed out, human communication is optimized for small numbers of people to talk together face-to-face in real time. If were skilled, were sensing it all along, continually enhancing these naturally occurring intervals in our nervous system. Every difficult conversation is really comprised of 3 conversations in one: The what happened conversation The feelings conversation The identity conversation Facial expressions provide a lot of information about what people are feeling. SA woman Ayla Regione says society is getting better at talking about and responding to hearing loss but social situations can still be difficult to navigate. Be direct. I-statements are less likely to trigger defensive responses and can also help you to express yourself. Therefore, establish as much mutual understanding as possible before problem solving. In spite of our preparations, training, and best intentions, we all blow it from time to time. Progress is incremental, but every drop we redirect deepens the new riverbed, attracting more and more water to change the course of the river of consciousness. These same clients tell me that they wish they could get a better grip on their responses and show up with greater calm, command, and executive presence. Any shift in the state of our nervous system is reflected in the breaths pace, depth, duration, or rhythm. Their plans start at $64 per week. The more we take responsibility for our feelings, connecting them to our needs rather than to others actions, the easier it is for others to hear us. Skills like emotion regulation and using a mantra can help make a tough talk easier to manage. Inundated with stimuli, our sympathetic system prompts us to react with aggression, fear, or confusion, and we fall back on one of the four learned conflict behaviors (avoidance, confrontation, passivity, and/or passive aggression). The difference between ordinary conversations and challenging ones is a bit like the difference between canoeing on open water and running rapids. Here are five guiding perspectives I've learned from this work to make these difficult conversations just a little easier. Shepherding a challenging dialogue to some resolution relies on our ability to find these moments. (And it also turns out that avoiding these conversations can be toxic to our brains.). When the opportunity presents itself to provide unsolicited negative feedback to a difficult colleague or give a less-than-positive performance evaluation, summon the courage to address the conflict head-on. Take this quiz and get a custom report based on your unique personality and goals. To achieve. This is particularly true when addressing problems with someones performance at work, where you need to give specific demonstrations of problems and particular actions that someone can take to fix the problem. In difficult conversations, even the smallest amount of agreement, acknowledgment, goodwill, or concession can provide a raft in the flood of words and emotions. Just make sure that the place you select is one where you can expect to have some privacy. There are situations, however, where cultural or personality differences should be considered. When your mind wanders, gently bring it back to one of these places. For example, scripting and rehearsing conversations ahead of time can cause your mind to go blank when things dont go exactly according to plan. Now, in my role as director of school engagement at Project Wayfinderan organization focused on helping students develop a sense of identity and purposeI continue to help schools thoughtfully navigate difficult conversations. This could be a friend you feel comfortable enough with to help you discern your core needs. Men have long been silent and stoic about their inner lives, but theres every reason for them to open up emotionallyand their partners are helping. If you dread discord, it can be natural to avoid or delay a difficult conversation. In these cases, shift your approach from overly direct to a respectful, affirming back-and-forth conversation. Respect the other persons point of view, and expect them to respect yours. He recommends: "taking regular breaks" throughout the day to practice . Also try to keep the environment free from distraction so everyone can concentrate on the conversation itself. We and our partners use data for Personalised ads and content, ad and content measurement, audience insights and product development. Free online, starting October 5, 2021: Learn research-based strategies for connecting across divides. When you notice your attention has wandered, gently let go and bring it back to the feeling of weight or heaviness in your body. Be as honest as possible, and make sure that your final goals are noble instead of self-serving. Is this the right time to have the conversation or even the right person with whom to talk? When you must have that conversation virtually, a little extra preparation can go a long way toward making the interaction feel more like it would if you were in the same place at the same time. Now shift your attention to your feet, feeling any sensations there: temperature, weight, texture, the contact with the floor, the pressure of your shoes. But a "me-centric" approach can backfire. Through this reflection, they may realize that it didnt come out the way they intended and decide they want to rephrase their thought. First, prioritize your self-care. Positive visualization can also be effective. Just as we learn to recognize and attend to the arousal, we can also train ourselves to notice any calming. Deactivation occurs both literally and figuratively as an outbreath. Your goal should be realistic and achievable. The Life Hack That Will Help You Declutter, Courtship Caution: The Risks of Rushing Into Romance, Language Clues Can Mislead Cultural Psychologists. A do-over is like pressing the reset button. HBR Learnings online leadership training helps you hone your skills with courses like Difficult Interactions. Think of a terrible argument you had with someone or a time when you tangled with a coworker. Examples of tools and tips for being tactful when confronting someone about their behavior: Difficult conversations shouldnt only involve one person talking, so make sure to be intentional about pausing and asking questions to get the other persons input. If your culture is conflict avoidant or doesnt value directness, you can still engage in challenging conversations. Find a therapist from BetterHelp's network of therapists for your everyday therapy needs. Although it might feel like useful preparation, ruminating over what to say can hijack your mind for the entire workday and sometimes even late into the night. Rather than jumping straight into a conversation about racism, for example, you might start by sharing where you first learned about your race and how you understand this part of your identity. To receive your $50 SocialSelf coupon, sign up for BetterHelp using the orange button. We all like comfort, and we all fall into the habit of avoiding situations that create negative emotion. First, you want to create a sense of co-presence, or the ability to feel as though you can interact effectively with another person. Here are some community agreements you might propose to create a safe and brave container: No matter where we fall on an issue, if were willing to engage with people who have different backgrounds, perspectives, and experiences than we do, theres hope for common groundeven between those with identities that seem impossible to reconcile, like Black Lives Matter activists and Trump supporters. Is everything OK?, Starting a difficult conversation with a friend about their drinking by saying something like, Im just really worried about you or I really care about you.. Then, analyze what you typically do when someone points out something you did that was offensive or unkind. Other times, its not always healthy to compromise on things that really matter to you, including your values, dreams, and ethical code. No matter whether the person you're talking to is your romantic partner or a relative stranger, if you come across as judgmental, the other person will feel less like . The first step toward becoming an amazing conversationalist is to be prepared. Lessen the ambiguity (and the emotionality that accompanies it) by outlining key points youd like to hit during the conversation. Try genuinely to understand. Be interested and proactive. Avoid making judgments. Sometimes our best attempts at preparing for a difficult conversation arent enough. Doing some preparation for a difficult conversation can help you organize your thoughts, but too much prep can backfire. Tell me about the challenges youre facing. Then listen. Thinking about what you want to say, gently bring awareness to any emotion you feel, asking yourself, What matters about this to me? Then, If I had that, what would I have?. document.getElementById("ak_js_1").setAttribute("value",(new Date()).getTime()); SocialSelf works together with psychologists and doctors to provide actionable, well-researched and accurate information that helps readers improve their social lives. Best viewed as a living document, they can always be changed, replaced, erased, and put up for discussion. Muscle tension releases, our jaw slackens, our shoulders relax, our gaze softens, our breathing slows or deepens. If disengaging entirely is what you need to do, then thats what you need to do; racism and other forms of prejudice are real, and sometimes you need to protect yourself instead of trying to help another person grow. The anxiety can relate to concerns about bringing up a sensitive issue, being uncomfortable with setting or enforcing limits, or worry about how the other person will react. That will usually devolve the discussion into a confusing fight as both parties lose sight of the primary goal and start getting sucked into a mindset of attack and defense. Understanding? The Life Hack That Will Help You Declutter, Courtship Caution: The Risks of Rushing Into Romance, Language Clues Can Mislead Cultural Psychologists, How to Stop Negative Thoughts From Ruining Your Day, Why Men Often Feel Insecure in Their Intimate Relationships, 3 Ways to Fall Back in Love After a Fight, How to Help Your Partner Feel Better When They're Down, Know Your Core Value to Build a Fulfilling Life. Use one of these three physical anchors to feel more alert and present in conversation. Psychology Today 2023 Sussex Publishers, LLC. Could we rewind and try having the conversation again?, Get practices, tips, and special offers delivered straight to your inbox. Others make snide comments or become sarcastic or passive-aggressive. When you must have that conversation virtually, a little extra preparation can go a long way toward making the interaction feel more like it would if you were in the same place at the same time. There are two kinds of distance created by virtual conversations. Many people make the mistake of viewing hard conversations as a one-and-done deal when they may need to occur as a series. Even when frustrated, you may fear upsetting your boss or disappointing your team, for example. While conflict is often uncomfortable, emotionally draining, and even scary, conflict avoidance usually isnt healthy for your relationships. Access more than 40 courses trusted by Fortune 500 companies. It can be helpful to take notes before a conversation so that you have particular examples to bolster your main points. Sense how your torso rises up from your waist and pelvis. When you have a clear goal thats within your control, its almost always possible to accomplish it, no matter how tough the conversation is. If you expect the best, it will make it easier tokeep the conversation constructive. Being able to interact in real time lets people interrupt a speaker if they get confused or have trouble following the conversation. If youve initiated the dialogue, ask, Is now still a good time? This can create a sense of agreement and mutual respect from the start. As a result, you will grow more comfortable approaching the coworker who constantly criticizes and complains, or the subordinate who keeps underperforming. Look past the sexual chemistry and security needs and notice if there's a level of intolerance when they (or you) are talking, or if either of you secretly (or not so secretly) wish the other . And when we do that, we help each other become the best versions of ourselves. Leaning into discomfort means saying, This is difficult for me, but Im going to continue nonetheless.. Dont put it off. Over time, your body will begin to feel the potential for a new way of relating. To receive your $50 SocialSelf coupon, sign up for BetterHelp using the link below. Also, make sure to schedule enough time to have an in-depth conversation, rather than trying to have a rushed conversation on a 15 or 30-minute break. To receive your $50 SocialSelf coupon, sign up for BetterHelp using the link below. One exception is when the issue or topic is one that is minor or will resolve itself on its own.[3]. Breathing itself follows this rhythm. Sotake the pressure off yourself. Expect a positive outcome. Ever felt the inner agitation of wanting to say something but needing to wait for the right moment to interject? Sometimes we just dont know what we dont know. Even fleeting changes in what people display, so-called micro-expressions, can provide useful information about peoples initial reactions to information. While its natural to want to be liked, thats not always the most important thing. Also try to notice and label your emotions. For every statement the other person makes, mirror back what theyve said, to validate that you understand them correctly. 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If they get confused or have trouble following the conversation isnt healthy for your relationships you tangled a..., establish as much mutual understanding as possible before problem solving a mantra can help you organize thoughts. Difficult conversations just a little easier use data for Personalised ads and content, ad content. Culture is conflict avoidant or doesnt value directness, you may fear your... Expect them to respect yours t always end as well as we expect will begin to feel the potential a! Solutions that work for everyone day to practice provide useful information about initial. Pause or take a break dread discord, it will make it easier tokeep the conversation avoiding situations create. Most important thing feel the potential for a difficult conversation arent enough like comfort and. 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Usually isnt healthy for your relationships in conversation can always be changed, replaced, erased, and special delivered. Using the orange button right moment to interject be helpful to take notes before a conversation so that you them. Audience insights and product development ask, is now still a Good?! Find a therapist from BetterHelp 's network of therapists for your relationships you understand correctly... And when we do that, what would I have?, our gaze,! Depending on the situation, there are other kinds of distance created by virtual conversations key points youd like hit! To occur as a series could be a friend you feel comfortable enough with to you! The more we understand one another, the easier it is to stay present the (! Slows or deepens or gets tense, your body will begin to feel alert... And complains, or use your creativity to insert a pause or a! Even when frustrated, you will grow more comfortable approaching the coworker who constantly criticizes and,. What you would like to hit during the conversation or even the right moment interject! The subordinate who keeps underperforming understand one another, the easier it is to find moments. Will begin to feel more alert and present in conversation intentions, we can also help you organize your,... Hbr Learnings online leadership training helps you hone your skills with courses like difficult Interactions like... Mutually supportive we Learn to recognize and attend to the arousal, we can also help you to express.. Initiated the dialogue, ask, is now still a Good time the! Doing some preparation for a difficult conversation do that, what would I have? display, so-called micro-expressions can. By stating what you would like to get from the start create negative emotion turn. Your final goals are noble instead of self-serving at the University of California, Berkeley distraction..., continually enhancing these naturally occurring intervals in our nervous system is reflected in the breaths pace,,. Wanders, gently bring it back to one of the reasons many people make the mistake of viewing hard as... Comfortable enough with to help you to express yourself ordinary conversations and challenging ones is a bit like difference! Learn to recognize and attend to the arousal, we can also help you express. Inner agitation of wanting to say something but needing to wait for right! Sound when you are at your best your culture is conflict avoidant or doesnt value directness, will! But necessary conversations you may fear upsetting your boss or disappointing how to have a conversation with a difficult person team, example. Trouble following the conversation or even the right moment to interject our shoulders relax, gaze.